Pokémon Red
Adventures
RED: Welcome to the
world of Pokémon, I am Red, I have waited my whole life for this and now it is time,
I will become the Pokémon master and I will capture Mew, even if it kills me.
My father disappeared trying to capture mew, I will find him and avenge him.
Mom: Red, hun! Come
downstairs, you’re going to be late! I wish you would stop externalizing your
internal desires but I’m sure you will grow out of it. The psychologist said
so.
RED: hmmmm! Well I guess
I have to go down! Mom, did you make breakfast?
Mom: Yes, it’s on the
counter… before you go… tell me that you will come back.
RED: I promise! I
promise that I will come back, you will see me again! For as long as I journey…
I will be thinking about yo…
Mom: Uh huh, Alright
hun, just a simple yes would have been fine!
RED: HMMMMMM!
Mom: Well everything
you are taking with you is packed, you can leave if you want to, by the way…
the movie I’m watching is about some boys on a railroad track!
RED: Mom, are you
watching stand by me? Why are you watching stand by me? It isn’t a good movie!
Mom: I didn’t even
know what I was watching until now.
RED: What!
Mom: Well everything
you are taking with you is packed, you can leave if you want to, by the way…
the movie I’m watching is about some boys on a railroad track!
RED: Hmm, mother
seems to be in some dialog loop!
Mom: The movie I’m
watching is about some boys on a railroad track!
RED: Alright I’m
done! I’m DONE! I’m going now!
OUTSIDE
RED: WOW DOES PALLET
TOWN SUCK ASS! There’s like two houses here! How is a space of land that can
only hold two houses and a laboratory and has a population of 6 a fucking town!
AAAAAND where do the rest of the people in this town live!? Fuck! Have I really
lived here my whole life!? Well who gives a donkey’s anus, I’m going to just
walk right into this tall-ass grass that no one seems concerned with, I mean
they should since wild Pokémon live in tall grass.
Oak: Hey, you there!
What are you doing, its suicide going into there!
RED: What! How so,
it’s just some grass!
Oak: Exactly, Pokémon
and such live in there! Rattata’s bite you know!
RED: Yes I know where
wild Pokémon live! What do you think I’m dumb! I have like 4 pokeballs and some
rocks! I think I will be okay!
Oak: I don’t know…
you should come with me! You will be safe with me! In my lab… with me!
RED: Are you going to
rape me??
Oak: Ha…ha no, what
gives you that idea?
RED: I don’t trust
you old man, but you are the only NPC here that gives a rat’s ass so I’ll go
with you.
Oak: Superb! Before
we leave, have you met my grandson, Blue.
RED: FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!
IN OAKS LAB:
BLUE: Thanks
granddad, I love this new Squirtle.
RED: Oak, I have made
up my mind! Charmander! I! CHOOSE! YOU!
Oak: That was so lame
RED: Shut up! Hey
Blue wait up! Don’t you want to battle?!
BLUE: I’d love to…
but I best be going, granddad needed a parcel fetched, here’s a map if you want
it.
RED: I always did
hate that Blue’s attitude!
Oak: Before you go,
here’s your pokedex, cherish it… always!
RED: I… will be going
now… you are starting to scare the living shit out of me... bye… Oak!
RED: Man, this is a
shitty lab
Aid: Hi!!!
RED: AHHH! You scared
the shit out of me, what do you want!
Aid: I am one of
professor Oaks aides and…
RED: What… hahahahaha
bwahahahahahaha… are you for real that is ridiculous!
Aid: UHHHH! Here’s
some potions you asshole, take them and leave.
Narrator: With
Charmander, 4 Pokeballs and some rocks and stuff, begins Red’s journey into the
world of Pokémon, he does not yet understand the adversity that faces him! Join
us next time to see how far he can get before ultimately getting bored with the
whole thing altogether!
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